Social Anxiety And The Fancy Bakery

“One mispronounciation on my part will bring disgrace to all of Russia.”

Meek Mikhail Kuznetsov’s three emails to his girlfriend regarding a fancy bake shop he discovered during his visit to America:

Dear Maria Josefina: First day in American city, I find fancy bake shop. I peek through window and see chandeliers sparkling as Schweppe’s. Also yummy desserts under glass like Imperial crown jewels: vatrushka, sushki and bread with hole in the manner of bublik. Also, floor has checkerboard.

To my regret, I look like peasant and cannot go inside. My simple tunic will besmirch tablecloth. I will return tomorrow and wear embroidered tunic. I will purchase gallons of pastries and send them to you. I love America! Forever Yours, Mikhail Kuznetsov.

Dear Maria Josefina: I went today again to bake shop. Aroma of confections through door reminds me of time you visited Moscow and we ourselves went to patesserie on Tverskoi Bulvar. We ate curd fritters followed by the digestive. My mouth waters at the memory.

In actuality, dear Maria Josefina, I did not have courage today to go in bake shop. English is uneasy for me and leaves a lot to be desirable. In any case, I must not sound foolish. One mispronounciation on my part will bring disgrace to all of Russia.

Well, you understand. So I will practice my English and I will try again tomorrow. No problem. I miss Moscow! Yours, Mikhail Kuznetsov.

Dear Maria Josefina: I return yesterday to bake shop for final time. I take deep breath and count to three. After count of three, I count to ten. Then I push door. But door push back! I realize sign on door say “pull.” I think everyone in bake shop is laughing at me. “Look at idiot Russian who can’t open door! Russia is cuckoo country! Let’s bomb Russia!”

I am nincompoop, no better than wild gopnic. You deserve brave man who can order buttered baguette without breaking sweat. I take back my proposal of marriage. Goodbye forever!

By the way, please tell my father to send to me 37000 rubles. I am arrested for loitering in front of bake shop. I hate America. Mikhail Kuznetsov.

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